The Unbearable Lightness of Being An Idiot

If there 's anything I've learned over the years, it's this: Work hard, be nice, and covet the ridiculous. I'm an idiot, at least that's what some of my friends would say -- not to be mean, but just as a matter of fact, an affable trait they find endearing. I'm okay with this, really, I am. In fact, I'm more than okay with being an 'idiot.' You see, I'm actually a genius.

I'm sitting her watching a hockey game, pretending to listen to my ten-year-old, writing a blog, breathing, drinking a beer, eating chips with salsa, sneezing and making decisions about my day tomorrow, like, will I sleep past noon or not? I'm doing all these things at once and I'm sorry, but that's genius.

Earlier today I finished two hilarious cartoons which I'm certain The New Yorker will buy next week. How do I know they're hilarious? I'm a genius. You gotta believe me on this one, it's arrogant I know, but how do you explain all the amazing things I've done and continue to do or won't continue to do? What I just wrote makes no sense and only a genius would know this. God! C'mon, you have to see the tr-wait, Roni Deutch is on TV. See? Are you still reading this? If you are, I'm sorry. I have no clue what the fuck is going on right now. Seriously, I'm like a pathetic slug glued to the couch in front of two screens, a raging kid, puppy, and two different socks on. Go, do something else. I'm in love with you. See? That's funny! It's ridiculous and that's why I'm God. Wait, no, that's not right, I me-damn, Roni Deutch is hot for a tax attorney. Can you send me all your money? Just consider it, will you? I have to go now for no reason at all and really, I'm sorry for writing this and wasting your time, but just think about the money thing. Okay, I'm outta here.