Back Pain Cure

If there's one thing I know a lot about, it's back pain and I'm here today to tell you all I have a cure! That's right, after years of suffering, I've managed, with the help of an old and dear friend at The University of Rochester, to navigate my pain to the land of euphoria. I've tried many remedies: deep tissue massage, yoga, anal sex -- you name it, I've tried it and with little to no success...that is, until now.

Three days ago I woke before dawn with lower back pain so brutal, I nearly threw up on my dog's face (she sleeps really close to my face -- not sure why). From my bed I called my best friend, Dr. Johnny Lyndren at the University of Rochester. Dr. Johnny has been a lower lumbar spinal specialist for over twenty years and has slept with at least two of my old girlfriends, but he really is a great guy. I told Dr. Johnny of my condition. He listened and empathized for four whole minutes before asking for the number for my local pharmacy. Johnny called in a prescription for some pain medication called Vicodin. Now, I don't know much about drugs or medications, but this stuff really works, especially with a highball, no kidding. For some weird reason, the combination of the alcohol and the pain medication seemed to really do the trick.

Now, I know it's only been three days and who knows how long this Vicodin stuff will be around (you never know with that damn FDA screwing around with everything -- I'm convinced they killed Michael Jackson), so go to www.doctorswithoutethicsorboarders.com and stock up while supplies last.

If anyone out there has back pain, your suffering is over. Just get some of this Vicodin (750 ml) and I promise, you will feel better and you'll have your life back.

H

Why Hockey Matters

If you've never played hockey, you can't participate in this blog post, so just stop reading and do something else...

Okay, all you hockey players out there! Nice to be here with you all and bear with me as I know I'm preaching to the choir when I talk of the often misunderstood sublime intelligence the game of hockey requ-What are you doing here?! I thought I told you non-hockey players to get the hell out of here?! Do not make get Broad Street Bully on your ass! Get out!

Jesus, what the fuck, right? The nerve...

Where was I? Oh, yes...the greatest game ever in the whole universe. Most idiots who can't appreciate the skill, speed and psychology of the game usually have one complaint and that's that they can't follow it, that is the puck and thus, the game itself. The reason for this is simple: God hates people who can't play hockey. It's that simple. It's actually in the Bible, you just have to look for the specific passage where it clearly states "...and on the five-hundreth day God said 'I fucking hate you all, you suck at hockey -- get out!'

Let's move our heads from the clouds and get empirical for a moment. Plato had a theory, the silly bastard had, in fact, many theories, yet, how Plato's theories mesh with or, in layman's terms, have sex with hockey, may surprise many of you. You see, Plato played hockey and he knew that to truly understand the idea of the form (hockey puck), one must have a decent transition game, and without a clear understanding of an 'off-sides' call or a 'hand pass' one needs to grasp the for-

What the fuck are you doing back here? I'm serious, this is bull shit. You know what? Forget it, I'm kicking your ass...

September of My Years

Woke up this morning with lower back pain which has now alloyed itself to a heavy ennui/depression. About to head out back for a hot tub before I begin work on a book jacket which is due last week. Turned the heat down in my house/studio for the weekend to save oil in my furnace -- it's 50 degrees in my house! I have twenty cartoons to finish before heading to Costa Rica next week and I fee like going home to live with my parents and blow off all the work and responsibilities expected of me, yet, there are other alternatives. Right? Hello? There are other alternatives, right? Is anyone out there? WTF! This blog thing sucks ass.

Odd Man Out

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I played like a child and I was a fucking little prick...

but, when I became a man, I put away childish things and learned not be a little prick bastard kid anymore.

Welcome all my friends to my very first blog. I must warn you all that just because millions of children all over the world love my brilliant children's books and hilarious cartoons doesn't mean I'm a saint, in fact, I'm drunk right now. Also, I tend to write words like 'fuck' or 'ball sack' and a slew of other prose you may find offensive. So, let this be a warning to you before you get all pissed off at me and, wait...there's an awesome hockey game on and, wait, fuck!!! Chicago just scored...fuck!