Why Hockey Matters

If you've never played hockey, you can't participate in this blog post, so just stop reading and do something else...

Okay, all you hockey players out there! Nice to be here with you all and bear with me as I know I'm preaching to the choir when I talk of the often misunderstood sublime intelligence the game of hockey requ-What are you doing here?! I thought I told you non-hockey players to get the hell out of here?! Do not make get Broad Street Bully on your ass! Get out!

Jesus, what the fuck, right? The nerve...

Where was I? Oh, yes...the greatest game ever in the whole universe. Most idiots who can't appreciate the skill, speed and psychology of the game usually have one complaint and that's that they can't follow it, that is the puck and thus, the game itself. The reason for this is simple: God hates people who can't play hockey. It's that simple. It's actually in the Bible, you just have to look for the specific passage where it clearly states "...and on the five-hundreth day God said 'I fucking hate you all, you suck at hockey -- get out!'

Let's move our heads from the clouds and get empirical for a moment. Plato had a theory, the silly bastard had, in fact, many theories, yet, how Plato's theories mesh with or, in layman's terms, have sex with hockey, may surprise many of you. You see, Plato played hockey and he knew that to truly understand the idea of the form (hockey puck), one must have a decent transition game, and without a clear understanding of an 'off-sides' call or a 'hand pass' one needs to grasp the for-

What the fuck are you doing back here? I'm serious, this is bull shit. You know what? Forget it, I'm kicking your ass...